On Leaving Well and Becoming.
What I've been up to for the past six months, and where God is in all of it.
I could profusely apologize for showing up in your inbox like this, after months of absence, while my newsletter collects digital dust. Instead, I will jump in and thank you for the grace to open and read me once more. If you signed up for this newsletter and haven’t heard from me, or if it’s been so long that you don’t remember when I last shared, I will share part of the reason, and part of my life with you. As always, I hope to encourage you and offer some food for thought on how faith intersects everyday life.
The last six months have been a hard journey of trial and error, with error appearing to be what I have the most to show for. After nearly a decade since my burnout and subsequent leaving the corporate world (of which I’ve briefly written here and here) I prayerfully applied to and later accepted a job in December of last year.
I chose to apply for the job because I wanted to work in the field of business once more, with a healthier mind than the one that got me burned out. To my surprise, I quit six months later, not burned out but sober-minded and with a clear head and conscience that it was the best thing both for the team (financially) and for myself (mentally). I told my boss I thought it best to remove myself, seeing that the initial need I was brought to help meet, was no longer a need. He understood. I chose May 31 as my last day.
On my last day, I was surprised when my colleagues took turns during our last Zoom meeting, to share the things they were most grateful for and would miss about me. My boss also participated. He said that I helped shape the culture of the company and that he believed I was the right hiring choice. It was a kindness from the Lord and from them to encourage me that way.
Some of the reasons that I took that job: it was remote and part-time. It was a bonus that it was a Christian team. All these made it vastly different than my previous experience in the corporate world. But the greatest difference was in my own heart.
I had never surrendered work so deeply to God. Which is why it was so painful to quit six months later. Even though I left on good terms it doesn’t prevent the sting of failure from lurking around in my soul.
When we are hurting our first instinct is to shorten as much as possible the length of time we are to be in pain. Painful experiences of shame or failure are no exception. But there is wisdom and blessing in learning to sit through the regular grieving period any loss requires. It’s counter-intuitive to willingly sit through the pain, so to speak. And yet, and yet.
In the following days as I replayed the last six months, I navigated the relief that comes from the right decision made along with the pain of why did it have to be this way, Lord? In that tension, an important takeaway came to my attention.
Beyond the kind words my colleagues shared, I realized the traits each person said resonated with who I am at my core. And none of it was the business persona I’ve struggled to create and keep up since my 20s. Perhaps God used these six months to help me see that nugget of truth, for which I am infinitely grateful. Maybe when I fully surrendered my desire for this job, God blessed that by using it to show me what only He could. Some lessons are so difficult to learn, a painful experience is how we reach a breakthrough.
Our gifts are important to God. They won’t always match what the world considers worthy, interesting, or useful. They may be in or out of fashion, depending on the time and place we’re in. But we will find fulfillment–and our gifts their truest expression–in Jesus alone.
To be clear, the business environment–Christian or secular–isn’t the marker. The position of my heart is what marks the difference. To paraphrase Calvin, there is no self-knowledge outside of God’s knowledge.
Some learnings from this hard and I’m realizing fruitful season:
Taking the time to sit in the uncomfortable (often painful) tension of where we are or have landed vs. where we want to or expect to be will bear much fruit when you invite God to sit with you. Ask Him to meet you where you are.
Defining what success looks like in light of Jesus will help prevent a false narrative of failure to take root in your heart. (I’m still working on this one! But I know it’s infinitely worth it.) Outcomes belong to the Lord. Ours is to be faithful and obey. That’s usually costly. It’s hard, I’m not going to deny that. But it’s also wise and life-giving.
Who we become is intricately connected to the decisions we make when our choices don’t turn out as expected. I want to choose life and truth*, even if it’s harder than my own knee-jerk, go-to, more natural reaction. Learning to surrender something to God and bathing a decision in prayer, are life-long lessons when you follow Jesus. It’s part of picking up my cross and following him. In the process, I become more of who God made me to be. This, like our faith, is an otherworldly mystery, tucked away in the very fabric of everyday living. Like the wooden cross with its splinters breaking and wounding the back of a man who was also the Son of God.
*Jesus said, “I am the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).
Thank you for reading this far! Speaking of who we become, I was a guest at the Far From Home Podcast, where I talked about my experience of feeling “other” as an immigrant and a TCK. It was a wonderful conversation with Mabel Ninan, you can watch it here, or listen to it here.
While I figure out a weekly rhythm for my writing, my next letter will be in your inbox on the last Tuesday of this month, June 27th.
Till then, much love
Paola
I’m so glad to hear from you! I have missed you and learning from you. Peace, blessings and love my friend!
I love reading this part of the journey friend